Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
The Dentist
The dentist filled the hole in the man’s tooth.
Later, the man died from tooth poisoning. The dentist was a spy!
Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
Grinkles
Grinkles was a funny little goblin. Grinkles loved cabbages!
One day he went shopping and the shop had no cabbages left. He exploded inside. It felt like his mind was a pinball, in a violent rally between the bumpers of fury and depression.
He made a ten minute video blog about the injustice he had suffered, and put it on YouTube. Everyone in the world agreed that he was a whingeing little fatty fat fuckface.
Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
Hitler’s Kitten
Hitler had a kitten growing from the side of his neck. He poked at his Froot Loops lamely, unable to focus his thoughts.
“I have powers,” rasped the kitten. Hitler felt as though he was an inch away from the world; as though he had woken up and remained asleep. The kitten purred, but perhaps it was Hitler’s neighbour mowing the lawn.
The next day, Hitler was tending his vegetable garden and found buried treasure. He was rich forever! The kitten screamed inside his mind.
Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
The Studying
Rebecca studied for her test the next day. Study study study, she went.
“What are you studying?” asked her friend.
“I am studying the word ‘study’,” said Rebecca. It was a surprise twist ending.
Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
Frank the Sheep
Frank was a sheep who lived on a hill. Each day he ate grass.
One day the grass politely asked him to stop it. But Frank did not comprehend language, and kept eating.
“Say ‘baa’ if you’re a dickhead,” said the grass.
“Baaaaaa!” went Frank.
Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
The Man With a Face
“You ought to get that looked at,” said his doctor.
The doctor couldn’t look at it himself because he was blind, and he was blind because he had no face. “Why don’t you have a face?” asked the man.
“I’m afraid I’m symbolic,” said the doctor.
“You ought to get that looked at,” said the man.
Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
The Night Spot
He drained his glass, returned it to the bar with a confident-sounding clunk, and turned to meet her gaze. “So, Angela, do you have a boyfriend?”
She almost giggled. “No, I don’t.”
“Ha ha, I knew it!” he laughed. “You fat spaz.”
Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander
Harry Potter
Harry Potter lived under the stairs. His aunt and uncle locked him there.
One day a wizard came for Harry. “Harry, you are special and have a secret!” he declared. “The secret is that you are really a puppy.”
The wizard turned Harry into a puppy forever.
His aunt and uncle had been trying to protect him.
Truly announcing my deeply official society6 store:
Patrick Alexander Monetises His Assets!
Right now boasting a shitload of art prints, hopefully including all the pictures from recent-ish years about which you have said to me, “I’d love to buy a print of that.” But if not, please tell me what’s missing — I’ll clean it up and make it available. (This invitation includes comic pages too, not just illustrations.)
I can put these pictures on other products as well, like t-shirts, smartphone cases, wall clocks and so on, but they require a little extra design work, so if there’s something in particular you’d like to see, let me know.
So! This is nice.