Insufficient Stories by Patrick Alexander

A Wet Dream on Elm Street

Billie Smitherson was sound asleep after a long day of being a relatable modern teen. She was enjoying a pleasant dream about being trapped in a cupboard with several preserved animal foetuses in jars, that were, one by one, regaining consciousness and turning slowly to look at her, when suddenly and out of nowhere appeared Freddy Krueger.

“I’m gonna kill you or somethin’!” growled he.

“Gosh!” said Billie, who, it might be worth mentioning at this point, had a raging fetish for murderous nightmare spectres of dead burn victims. Her sex entrance got wet, and her lady-button swelled to the size of a beach ball, or whatever it is that happens to women when they become aroused. “Oh Freddy,” she panted, her cheeks flushed with oestrogen. “Do me up the bum!”

“No thanks, I’m gay,” said Freddy politely.

Billie was hot for gays and thrust a hungry, grabby hand between Freddy’s legs, which were suddenly paralysed, unable to turn and flee. “Yip, yip!” said Freddy’s penis, which had turned into a fluffy Pomeranian. The puppy grew several metres in length, like toothpaste being squeezed from a tube, then shimmied in the air, dancing to the five-piece mariachi band. Swarthy and mustachioed, they wore only sombreros, and had sleigh bells tied with ribbon to their unfeasibly massive erections, which they rang in time with the lively huapango as they sang. Billie’s blossoming imagination had spawned a cornucopia of bizarre sexual fetishes; a great tribe of buzzes, jollies and turn-ons – and tonight, it seemed, was the annual family reunion.

“Cripes!” went Freddy.

“I love the word ‘cripes’,” breathed Billie sexily, her tits flying out of her nightie and slapping Freddy repeatedly in the face. “That word is my number one word in terms of words that make me horny when I hear them.”

“Número uno!” cried the mariachi singers.

“Let me return the favour, you big hunk of man-mince.” Billie opened a packet of doggie treats and, turning and bending over so that Freddy could see, began to poke them up her anus, one by one. She wiggled her bottom suggestively.

With an impatient bark, Freddy’s happy penis leapt forward and burrowed between Billie’s bumcheeks with mad excitement. “Thank goodness this is only a dream,” thought Freddy, but when he woke up he was pregnant or something? Anyway he learned an important lesson.